The Ultimate EMOM
Every Day On the Day 30kms x 32 rounds
I first saw Amanda Allen compete at the 2011 Australian Crossfit Regionals. That year she went on to place 19th as an individual at the Crossfit Games. At the time, Amanda was 40 years old and she outperformed CrossFit luminaries such as Stacie Tovar, Lindsey Valenzuela and Ruth Anderson Horrell. Over the next four years at the regional level she absolutely dominated in a field of women predominately half her age. Placing within a qualifying spot each year as an individual as well as going on to win the 40-44 Masters Division at the 2013 and 2014 Crossfit Games.
In a society where women are taught from a young age to fear and dread the ageing process, there is nothing like watching a woman older than yourself kick every arse on the floor. Each Regionals that I have been to, this woman destroyed the competition. Her performance was guaranteed to give me shivers every time. That said, it's pretty easy to admire high achievers and to idolise elite performances but a flawless hero is pretty fucking boring. Finding out recently that Amanda has spent parts of her life struggling with suicidal depression and alcohol abuse took my admiration of her to another level. There is something about a fallible hero that is just so much more appealing than a perfect hero. There is something so heartening in knowing that someone you admire has fought the fights you fight and won.
In a society where women are taught from a young age to fear and dread the ageing process, there is nothing like watching a woman older than yourself kick every arse on the floor. Each Regionals that I have been to, this woman destroyed the competition. Her performance was guaranteed to give me shivers every time. That said, it's pretty easy to admire high achievers and to idolise elite performances but a flawless hero is pretty fucking boring. Finding out recently that Amanda has spent parts of her life struggling with suicidal depression and alcohol abuse took my admiration of her to another level. There is something about a fallible hero that is just so much more appealing than a perfect hero. There is something so heartening in knowing that someone you admire has fought the fights you fight and won.
"People need to know that our idols are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. We all suffer, we all struggle and we can all overcome. We need to know that it's not always smooth sailing. Many many people are struggling in the same way and are still achieving. It's not shameful and it's not a weakness, it's being human."
One in five Australians aged 16-85 experience a mental illness in any year. I suffer from anxiety myself which has at times taken me to the place Amanda refers to as the POD, the Pit of Despair. Knowing that depression is so prevalent is both heartening and horrifying.
In 2016 Amanda decided to take the year off from competing to focus instead on a new project. A project that allows her to connect with the wider community and to shed light on an otherwise dark subject. On May 29, Amanda set off on a 1200km journey from Toowoomba to Mackay via inland Queensland farming communities. She will spend just over a month running to raise funds for the charitable organisation Run For MI Life. Her route takes her through towns which were hand selected because they were found to have the highest age-standardised suicide rate in the Western region of Queensland.
Although Amanda has spent her life training and performing in gruelling events, she has never done anything as demanding as this run. She draws strength and inspiration from the fact that there are huge parallels between what she is doing and the challenge of living with depression on a daily basis "I can't think of a more symbolic journey than this 1200km run to reflect the depths of struggle that living with depression presents to so many people each and every day."
In 2016 Amanda decided to take the year off from competing to focus instead on a new project. A project that allows her to connect with the wider community and to shed light on an otherwise dark subject. On May 29, Amanda set off on a 1200km journey from Toowoomba to Mackay via inland Queensland farming communities. She will spend just over a month running to raise funds for the charitable organisation Run For MI Life. Her route takes her through towns which were hand selected because they were found to have the highest age-standardised suicide rate in the Western region of Queensland.
Although Amanda has spent her life training and performing in gruelling events, she has never done anything as demanding as this run. She draws strength and inspiration from the fact that there are huge parallels between what she is doing and the challenge of living with depression on a daily basis "I can't think of a more symbolic journey than this 1200km run to reflect the depths of struggle that living with depression presents to so many people each and every day."
We caught up with Amanda for a chat at her halfway point which was also her anniversary of 12 years sobriety.
Thanks for talking to The Barbelle Club Amanda
Thanks for talking to The Barbelle Club Amanda
Can you tell us about when depression arose for you?
I was drinking at the age of 13-14 and that was quite heavily and happened quickly. That was also the time that depression started to hit. It probably was another 10 years before I knew what was going on and could give it a name. It was close to another 10 years before I sought out any help for it.
Apart from the alcohol abuse, how did depression manifest in your life?
I was extremely uncomfortable with people, I felt that I didn't fit in. I was OK if I was doing sport but every other interaction in my world was extremely uncomfortable. I was extremely self conscious and I couldn't work out how to "do life" and how others could do it and what you were supposed to say and how you were supposed to behave, what you were supposed to think and how you should feel…I was acutely aware of not knowing any of that from a very early age.
I was drinking at the age of 13-14 and that was quite heavily and happened quickly. That was also the time that depression started to hit. It probably was another 10 years before I knew what was going on and could give it a name. It was close to another 10 years before I sought out any help for it.
Apart from the alcohol abuse, how did depression manifest in your life?
I was extremely uncomfortable with people, I felt that I didn't fit in. I was OK if I was doing sport but every other interaction in my world was extremely uncomfortable. I was extremely self conscious and I couldn't work out how to "do life" and how others could do it and what you were supposed to say and how you were supposed to behave, what you were supposed to think and how you should feel…I was acutely aware of not knowing any of that from a very early age.
Can you talk about your more recent experiences with depression?
I had a lot of health issues which i needed to sort out and as a result I undertook a lot of study and reading and meditating and searching which got me to a really good place about 7 years ago. My health and wellbeing got better, I was clear of depression for a long time. I honestly never expected to go back into a state of depression that I had experienced prior. I thought I was done with it, that I was cured. In 2014 I won the CrossFit Masters Games and I went on to compete with GRID League. I travelled all over the States doing seminars and camps and competitions. There were so many flights and so many late nights and so much horrendous food and no dogs and no routine, massive stress and massive excitement. The last three days in the States I locked myself in a hotel room and closed the curtains and turned out the lights and put up the air conditioning and got under the quilt and I just couldn't bare to do anything. I couldn't bear to exist. I got Uber to Wholefoods to get supplies and that was it. That's where I was at the end of 2014 and it was a huge struggle for the last 18 months since then to really to get myself back.
What I did when I finally came home and really accepted that I was suffering terribly and I was in a bad place is that I went to the Dr and for me medication has helped. I changed Crossfit boxes, I just couldn't manage the expectations and pressure.. I stepped back from CrossFit and all of the striving and pressure that I put on myself and the demands and I just stepped back from so much. I had to take all pressure and all stress (as much as possible) out of my life because I couldn't cope with anything. I went from the highest high to the lowest low. I would try and train...I slept so much. I was sleeping 12 13 hrs a night easily. I was eating whatever and in the end I just couldn't stress about eating quality food. I had to let myself eat whatever and not worry about it otherwise that added stress would just push me back into the darkness. I became so fearful and judgemental and negative and I had to try with everything I am to give myself a break.
It is the hardest thing when inside of you is the darkness but inside of you is also the only hope. I have to help myself from a place where it feels like there is no hope and no help. It's such a paradox.
I had a lot of health issues which i needed to sort out and as a result I undertook a lot of study and reading and meditating and searching which got me to a really good place about 7 years ago. My health and wellbeing got better, I was clear of depression for a long time. I honestly never expected to go back into a state of depression that I had experienced prior. I thought I was done with it, that I was cured. In 2014 I won the CrossFit Masters Games and I went on to compete with GRID League. I travelled all over the States doing seminars and camps and competitions. There were so many flights and so many late nights and so much horrendous food and no dogs and no routine, massive stress and massive excitement. The last three days in the States I locked myself in a hotel room and closed the curtains and turned out the lights and put up the air conditioning and got under the quilt and I just couldn't bare to do anything. I couldn't bear to exist. I got Uber to Wholefoods to get supplies and that was it. That's where I was at the end of 2014 and it was a huge struggle for the last 18 months since then to really to get myself back.
What I did when I finally came home and really accepted that I was suffering terribly and I was in a bad place is that I went to the Dr and for me medication has helped. I changed Crossfit boxes, I just couldn't manage the expectations and pressure.. I stepped back from CrossFit and all of the striving and pressure that I put on myself and the demands and I just stepped back from so much. I had to take all pressure and all stress (as much as possible) out of my life because I couldn't cope with anything. I went from the highest high to the lowest low. I would try and train...I slept so much. I was sleeping 12 13 hrs a night easily. I was eating whatever and in the end I just couldn't stress about eating quality food. I had to let myself eat whatever and not worry about it otherwise that added stress would just push me back into the darkness. I became so fearful and judgemental and negative and I had to try with everything I am to give myself a break.
It is the hardest thing when inside of you is the darkness but inside of you is also the only hope. I have to help myself from a place where it feels like there is no hope and no help. It's such a paradox.
"Although it's hard to let go of other people's expectations of you, ultimately the expectations that are the hardest are my own and it's easy to project them on to other people. I know from social media that other people just want me to be well and they love me, period."
Are you better at spotting the warning signs and what are they for you?
Ultimately, being in a state of depression is like being in the pit of despair (POD). In that place everything is dark, everything is impossible, everything is too hard, everything is bleak and fearful. I just want to hide, to disappear. I just want to sleep. I have no motivation to do anything and even the most positive things seem like too much. Thats not normal. There are times when you can go through those things but when that state is a constant or progresses despite all evidence to the contrary in my life, then I just know that I'm in trouble.
Can you talk about some of the things that you have in place that help keep you on track?
The difficulty and the beauty is that it is no one thing. I looked for the one thing for my entire life. No "one thing" was ever the bloody solution. it's all of the little things." I concentrate on every 1% every day. I have a One Giant Mind app which I use for 10 mins a day to meditate. I plug earphones in and sit and do what it says, I don't have to make anything happen. I went through a huge spiritual phase where I would chant the 1000 names of the Divine Mother and malayalam every night before bed and that would take an hour. I don't need to do that now, I just plug in the app and it does it all for me.
I'm so mindful that I MUST get a minimum of 8 hrs sleep, preferably 9 -9 1/2 would be ideal. I can't compromise on sleep. These are almost two of the most foundational things.
From a dietary perspective I avoid sugar. Gluten is a poison and aggravates depression and my hormonal state. I have to look after my gut health. That's critically important to my wellbeing in terms of managing mental illness - as ridiculous to many people as that sounds... I think a lot of people are coming to understand that gut health is the foundation of good health. I have to eat for my gut to be healthy. Green food, juices, veggies as little sugar, dairy, gluten and grains as possible. Basically the war against depression is also a war against inflammation and funnily enough that supports being a high level athlete by assisting recovery. My solutions to depression are also the solutions to being the best athlete I can be. The other important thing is the exercise.
I've learnt a lot of parallels through the AA program. Some really helpful insights. "Progress not perfection". That is a huge relief for my head...I don't ever have to be perfect I'm just working towards whats it is that is going to make me well. Contentment, to be more at peace in my own skin.
Ultimately, being in a state of depression is like being in the pit of despair (POD). In that place everything is dark, everything is impossible, everything is too hard, everything is bleak and fearful. I just want to hide, to disappear. I just want to sleep. I have no motivation to do anything and even the most positive things seem like too much. Thats not normal. There are times when you can go through those things but when that state is a constant or progresses despite all evidence to the contrary in my life, then I just know that I'm in trouble.
Can you talk about some of the things that you have in place that help keep you on track?
The difficulty and the beauty is that it is no one thing. I looked for the one thing for my entire life. No "one thing" was ever the bloody solution. it's all of the little things." I concentrate on every 1% every day. I have a One Giant Mind app which I use for 10 mins a day to meditate. I plug earphones in and sit and do what it says, I don't have to make anything happen. I went through a huge spiritual phase where I would chant the 1000 names of the Divine Mother and malayalam every night before bed and that would take an hour. I don't need to do that now, I just plug in the app and it does it all for me.
I'm so mindful that I MUST get a minimum of 8 hrs sleep, preferably 9 -9 1/2 would be ideal. I can't compromise on sleep. These are almost two of the most foundational things.
From a dietary perspective I avoid sugar. Gluten is a poison and aggravates depression and my hormonal state. I have to look after my gut health. That's critically important to my wellbeing in terms of managing mental illness - as ridiculous to many people as that sounds... I think a lot of people are coming to understand that gut health is the foundation of good health. I have to eat for my gut to be healthy. Green food, juices, veggies as little sugar, dairy, gluten and grains as possible. Basically the war against depression is also a war against inflammation and funnily enough that supports being a high level athlete by assisting recovery. My solutions to depression are also the solutions to being the best athlete I can be. The other important thing is the exercise.
I've learnt a lot of parallels through the AA program. Some really helpful insights. "Progress not perfection". That is a huge relief for my head...I don't ever have to be perfect I'm just working towards whats it is that is going to make me well. Contentment, to be more at peace in my own skin.
"What allows me to be the level of athlete that I am in my 40s is that journey of helping myself - not because I wanted to be a great athlete but because I desperately wanted to never be in that dark place again"
I know that in training you chase down going to a "dark place" in workouts? Do you need to steer clear or hold back?
No. Definitely not. I think it helps me to build resilience. It is a meditative state but it is a different way of getting there. I think it builds an immense resilience. It's the pressure of specific outcomes for example; qualifying as an individual for the games, that creates problems. Massive expectations and external goals that I can't necessarily control. I can only control what I do inside of myself, I can't control how well other women perform in competition.
Of all of your athletic achievements, what has taught you the most?
Everything I have done has taught me something. I feel like I am constantly learning the same lessons over and over. I'm learning self acceptance. I've chased olympic dreams, to be the best I can be, in order to prove myself, to strive for acceptance and recognition and self worth. When I went into firefighting I was proving myself. I can make it in. I can show them that women can do it, that I can do it. It was all driven by a desperate need to prove myself and to prove myself worthy of love.
The funny things is that Amanda means "worthy of love" and it seems my personal journey is to find and know that this is true. Each time I have achieved and failed and achieved and failed has slowly brought me to (and more than ever) a place where I don't need to go and prove myself again.
When you finally learn, you move on and then -of course- there is another lesson to learn. This feels like it has been happening forever. We just grow and evolve and then there is the next lesson.
No. Definitely not. I think it helps me to build resilience. It is a meditative state but it is a different way of getting there. I think it builds an immense resilience. It's the pressure of specific outcomes for example; qualifying as an individual for the games, that creates problems. Massive expectations and external goals that I can't necessarily control. I can only control what I do inside of myself, I can't control how well other women perform in competition.
Of all of your athletic achievements, what has taught you the most?
Everything I have done has taught me something. I feel like I am constantly learning the same lessons over and over. I'm learning self acceptance. I've chased olympic dreams, to be the best I can be, in order to prove myself, to strive for acceptance and recognition and self worth. When I went into firefighting I was proving myself. I can make it in. I can show them that women can do it, that I can do it. It was all driven by a desperate need to prove myself and to prove myself worthy of love.
The funny things is that Amanda means "worthy of love" and it seems my personal journey is to find and know that this is true. Each time I have achieved and failed and achieved and failed has slowly brought me to (and more than ever) a place where I don't need to go and prove myself again.
When you finally learn, you move on and then -of course- there is another lesson to learn. This feels like it has been happening forever. We just grow and evolve and then there is the next lesson.
What is most surprising about this run?
How incredibly challenging it is physically and mentally.
I can do that first 10k, even the next 10km I can manage but it's that last 20-30 that is something that I can't prepare myself for. I just have to turn up to each day. By the same token I am also quite overwhelmed by my bodies ability to show up, I've done 450km! I've run 30k once and I had never run 4 hrs straight before and now I've basically run 4hrs a day for 5 days straight! That my body and mind are able to work in unison to make this happen...the capacity of the human body mind and spirit amazes me. I believed it was possible but how could I comprehend what it was actually going to be like? I have no idea how I am going to make it. The motto is the same as my motto for fighting depression. Just Keep Turning Up.
One step after the other -and sometimes out there it's literally just one step - because I've got this blister and it would seem so ridiculous that a blister would be so potent and painful and all consuming but it's like someone is holding a cigarette lighter to the bottom of my toe! I'm finding that I am using that pain to focus me and just keep moving. I let the pain be my meditation. It is just pain. It's life changing.
How does your history of training compare with this experience?
Everything in life prepares you and builds resilience. But what I'm doing is calling on absolutely everything that has contributed to who I am. Ultimately, if you haven't done this then it's impossible to prepare and it's so symbolic of living with depression. Nothing can prepare you for it, you just have to find all of the tools and all of the skills and build resilience on the fly.
How incredibly challenging it is physically and mentally.
I can do that first 10k, even the next 10km I can manage but it's that last 20-30 that is something that I can't prepare myself for. I just have to turn up to each day. By the same token I am also quite overwhelmed by my bodies ability to show up, I've done 450km! I've run 30k once and I had never run 4 hrs straight before and now I've basically run 4hrs a day for 5 days straight! That my body and mind are able to work in unison to make this happen...the capacity of the human body mind and spirit amazes me. I believed it was possible but how could I comprehend what it was actually going to be like? I have no idea how I am going to make it. The motto is the same as my motto for fighting depression. Just Keep Turning Up.
One step after the other -and sometimes out there it's literally just one step - because I've got this blister and it would seem so ridiculous that a blister would be so potent and painful and all consuming but it's like someone is holding a cigarette lighter to the bottom of my toe! I'm finding that I am using that pain to focus me and just keep moving. I let the pain be my meditation. It is just pain. It's life changing.
How does your history of training compare with this experience?
Everything in life prepares you and builds resilience. But what I'm doing is calling on absolutely everything that has contributed to who I am. Ultimately, if you haven't done this then it's impossible to prepare and it's so symbolic of living with depression. Nothing can prepare you for it, you just have to find all of the tools and all of the skills and build resilience on the fly.
What are you most proud of?
Coming to crossfit at 40, qualifying for the games at 41 and being so close every year the older I get. That in my 40s I keep up with people so much younger than me. I show the world of 40 somethings that it is not even close to over if you are willing to show up to your wellbeing. Anything is possible. I'm so proud of myself for coming back from alcoholism and depression and heart soul mind body destitution to be what I am today. To be as well as I am and on top of that to being able to take a place in our CrossFit community as a role model. I'm not egotistical about it but what an absolutely precious gift of life, health and peak performance and to be able to inspire anyone to believe in themselves more deeply because of some example I have set, it is extraordinary. Extraordinary!!!
What's next for you Amanda?
I would like to be back at regionals at 47. Just to show what's possible.
I just trust my life to my heart these days. I trust what it tells me to do I do. I trust it and my intuition and my gut completely and that is how I choose to live my life. What comes next will come next. My intention is that I have a couple of books that I really want to write and I have the support of publishers to do that. And how that unfolds? I dunno :)
Amanda would like everyone to know "that it takes courage to admit you're suffering, that in reaching out we are helping ourselves to choose life. Isolation and social withdrawal is dangerous for those of us who suffer with depression. I want people to know that the struggle toward the light is worth it. I was derelict, suicidally depressed, overeating, drinking alcoholically, my life was a daily experience of despair and darkness. It is not that way today. Today I laugh, I live well, I have health and I have people to love and people who love me. This isn't to say I don't struggle with the black dog, because I do, but I have learned how to live a full and wondrous life with it, and that is the message and the miracle I want to share."
If you would like to support Amanda with her fundraising, please visit her go fund me
If you need help right now please visit The Black Dog Institute or call Lifeline on 13 11 14